Gas Monster

Are you terrified to fart in a public restroom? I am, and I have no idea why. Is not the restroom the most appropriate place for the dastardly deed? Even if I know I am alone in the room, I still lean over and check for feet just to be sure. And then I try to get it over with as quickly as possible in case someone chooses that moment to walk in. (Note to self: the escape velocity of a gaseous anomaly is constant and therefore immune to outside influence.)

The terror comes into play when I am not alone in the room. People will hear me. What to do? Cover it with a cough? No, that won't work. One time I coughed and accidentally farted at the same time. Just a small one. I was sitting and talking with about seven or eight other girls and boys on a cool summer evening. I knew I had done it, of course, but I didn't actually hear it because I was coughing at the time. I desperately hoped the cough worked as camouflage for everyone else, too, but the awkward silence told me the jig was up. Before I could say something, like "Oops" or "Excuse me" or "I am a grotesque gas monster from the planet Traf. Take me to your leader," someone picked up the conversation like nothing had happened. I would have felt soooo much better had they pointed and laughed. To this day, I only see those people at high school reunions. Where I avoid them.

So I sit in the public restroom and assess my options as I wait in vain hope for everyone to suddenly decide to leave the room.

Option 1: Flush the toilet to produce a nice, loud camouflaging noise. Oh great, a toilet with no handle because it flushes automatically after you get up. Who invented these? What were they thinking?

Option 2: Let it out slowly and soundlessly. Yeah, right. See previous "Note to self" regarding escape velocity. As for the sound factor, I am pretty sure it has nothing to do with muscle control and everything to do with what I ate for lunch.

Option 3: Just let her rip and to hell with what people think. It is a restroom, after all. I am in a stall, where all sorts of distasteful bodily functions go on all the time. Maybe I'll even start a trend. Maybe that's all people are waiting for, someone to let it out with no apologies and give the rest of the world permission to do the same. I'd be a hero!

Okay, perhaps some of the pressurized gas leaked up into my brain and affected my judgment on that last one. I'll never know because I've never actually tried it. Although, in theory, I could remain in the stall until all of the existing feet were replaced with new feet and exit to a completely new group of people who would be unaware of my unfortunate social gaffe. In theory.

Option 4: Avoid public restrooms at all cost. Save up all my gas for when I am completely alone.

If you hear news of a mysterious explosion in my area and you cannot reach me, please send donations to The Gaseous Anomaly Freedom Foundation in lieu of flowers.